VIRTUAL IMMIGRATION CENTER
You are about to view a website for Zach.
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Occupying Volume Since A While Ago
Seasonal tracking protocols are now active.
We have detected movement in the upper atmosphere.
LAUNCH SANTA ZACH TRACKER
Scientists have studied Zach Luker and concluded that he is, in fact, there. If you look at the location where he is standing, you will see him.
He is a classic "white" dude. He has skin texture and enjoys room temperature fluids. Why is he on the internet? We have run the numbers and the results are inconclusive.
Clicking This Does Nothing UsefulZach has successfully purchased groceries multiple times. He owns more than one shirt. He is capable of breathing without conscious effort most of the time.
The subject engages in various activities to pass the time between sleeping phases. These activities often involve specialized equipment or unnecessary tactical gear.
Here, Zach attempts to reverse entropy by applying force to metal objects on a vehicle. His facial expression suggests either intense concentration or that he has just realized he does not know what this bolt does.
Zach is seen here consuming a rice-based meal while wearing a full tactical vest. We believe he thinks the food might shoot back. The threat level of the aluminum bowl was determined to be low, but he remains vigilant.
Zach frequently enters large buildings to observe goods. His relationship with inventory is confusing at best.
Exhibit C: Documented confusion regarding how these bugs entered his possession. A mystery for the ages.
Subject is often observed wandering vast, brightly lit warehouses (e.g., Costco), staring at an illuminated rectangle while surrounded by bulk products. He appears overstimulated yet sedated by the sheer volume of mayonnaise available for purchase.
Nobody asked for this site. Zach Luker is just a guy. He isn't selling a course on crypto. He isn't a DJ. He is a "white" dude who likely enjoys things like "sitting down" and "bread."
WARNING: If you observe Zach Luker for too long, he might say something generic like "Oooh gooner rizz" or "Jeffrey Epstein" to fill the silence.
The subject frequently attempts to alter its external appearance or capture close-up imagery of its own face for digital archives. These attempts vary widely in effectiveness and dignity.
Note: Data indicates the subject is happiest when disguised as farm livestock (left).
Status: Stationary
* Satellite imagery may be delayed if he orders dessert.